Having been feeling humorous the past few days, I just had to post a few jokes.
BLIND FARMER AT WORK
YOU WOULD BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF…
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is , “Y’all come on in!”
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering”-and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, “I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge
of “two calves.”
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors
had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part
of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as “The O.K. Chorale.”
13. The church directory doesn’t have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family set together in worship every
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is
during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave
them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that
afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your
health and 3 visitors with pies!
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish.
24. It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come on back
now, ya hear!”
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.
‘Well,’ replied old John, ‘There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $250 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $250 a week plus free room and board. Then, there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,’ says the agent.
‘That would be me,’ replied old rancher John.
The Farmer and The City Slicker
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The farmer thinks it over, it’s a huge herd so he accepts the bet.
The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, ‘You have exactly 1,423 cows’.
The farmer is astonished because the city slicker’s figure is exactly correct. He says, ‘OK, I’m a man of my word, take a cow.’ The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
‘Wait,’ yells the farmer, ‘Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.’ The city slicker agrees readily.
‘You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,’ says the farmer.
‘Good grief!’ splutters the city slicker, ‘You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?’
‘Easy,’ says the farmer, ‘give me back my dog, and I will tell you.’
“No guessing required.’ answered the farmer. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows.
That man is so crooked he kin hide behind a cork screw !
That ole dawg won’t hunt! – means it won’t work.
“He’s studying to be a half-wit” – “If you had a brain, you’d be half-witted”
That guy’s so full of it – it’s like Puttin 10 lbs of cow patties in a 5 pound bag
If you can’t hang with the big dawgs, get off the porch!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless – if he had a third hand, he would need another pocket to put it in!
But, Slim, over there — he’s as handy as a pocket on a shirt!
Slow Joe – They call him “blister” because he doesn’t show up until the work is finished.
Man with his pet rooster: